The SciFi Channel – Television for Women

With the success of Lifetime’s supernatural drama Blood Ties and the looming premieres of The Bionic Woman on NBC and The Sarah Connor Chronicles on Fox, the SciFi Channel is actively developing new programming to retain their current female viewership and draw more women to the creatively confused cable channel.

This fall, the SciFi Channel presents a re-imagining of. . .

The Golden Girls: Sarah Conner, Ellen Ripley, an Alien Brood Queen and Bea Arthur share a fallout shelter and scavenge for love and cheesecake in post-apocalypse Miami.

Murder, She Wrote: Lindsay Lohan stars as Jessica Fletcher, a sassy and sexy mystery writer who gets caught up in real-life mysteries while searching for love, cheesecake and underpants. In space. While drunk.

Sex and the City: Four high powered Manhattan women in the year 2765 develop mutant abilities that allow them to lead crazily indulgent lives without ever having to do a lick of work. Follow Samantha, Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte as they devour cheesecake, destroy men and search for the perfect martini. Sponsored by Manolo Blahnik, The Cheesecake Factory, and Trojan Enz.

Gilmore Girls: Hot mother and daughter duo, Lorelai and Rory, are on the run from Lorelai’s evil, robotic mother in post-apocalyptic Connecticut! They search for love and cheesecake and find both with Luke, the gruff, yet ruggedly handsome hunter whom Lorelai will consume like the praying mantis bitch she is.

Ally McBeal: Flighty, emotionally unstable lawyer in post-apocalyptic Boston searches for love and runs from cheesecake while her mental state slowly becomes unbound, demonstrated by a series of vivid fantasy sequences which indicate that she’s really the Imperious Leader of the Cylons.

The Nanny: The naked chick from Species takes a job nannying for a spoiled brother and sister on New Manhattan, a space station located in the rings of Saturn. She searches for sustenance and a healthy male with whom to reproduce (ie. love and cheesecake) while her plucky charges try to trick her into wearing clothes. The sister is, anyway. The brother digs the Nanny’s natural look.

Designing Women: Four women who had previously been interior designers set their sights on the more profitable business of designing pleasure droids in post-apocalyptic Atlanta. The challenges of the workplace are intermingled with their personal struggles with searching for love and cheesecake in a world populated with mutated men and eerily intelligent farm animals.

Desperate Housewives: In a post-apocalyptic world, mutated housewives sleep around, raise snotty kids and get snarky, while searching for love and cheesecake. Starring the naked chick from Species, the naked chick from Lifeforce, the half naked chick from The Fifth Element and Princess Aura from Flash Gordon. Special guest appearances by Kyle McLaughlin and multitudes of shirtless men.

And the single SciFi Original series. . .

The Adventures of Boobs O’Doom: A saucy librarian goes in for breast reduction surgery, only to have her procedure taken over by a mad plastic surgeon who replaces Miss O’Doom’s breast tissue with high tech gadgets, effectively turning one into a mind control device and the other into a Swiss Army boob. No love, no cheesecake, just boobs.