I started speaking to a woman who was a few years older than me on an online dating site and, before long, she called me up. As we had not been speaking for very long this surprised me, and what also surprised me was that she opened up about her own history.
This was something that took place in the beginning of 2012, and it soon became clear that this was someone who had had a challenging childhood. At the time, she said that she did not know why she was telling me all this.
I said that it was fine and that she did not need to worry about what she was telling me. It was clear that part of her felt safe enough to open up, and I was not going to judge her for what she was telling me.
In fact, I found it hard to believe that I had come into contact with a woman who was like this. Not only was I speaking to a woman who was able to relate to the kind of childhood that I had had, I was also speaking to a woman who was intelligent.
I do not think she had a degree in psychology, but she had a degree in something similar. In addition to this, she worked with children who were going through a tough time at home and at school.
When I met her for the first time, I thought she was classy, intelligent, and attractive. I soon came to see that she was attentive and curious; it was clear that this woman was different.
The Next Step
We soon arranged to meet again, and this was when everything went to the next level. I remember that we had sat down to watch a film (I think it was called Hanna) and she ended up sitting on my lap.
However, this was not a time when we ended up getting physical; it was a time when she asked me about my childhood. On one side, I was amazed that I had a woman like this on my lap and, on the other, I felt uncomfortable.
This Was Different
I had been with attractive women before, but I had not come into contact with a woman like this before. Ultimately, I had come into contact with the kind of woman I did not expect to meet.
The reason for this was that due to how my mother treated me as a child, I felt completely worthless. For a number of years, I believed that all women were the same, and this meant that my desire to be with a woman was often covered up by my need to avoid them.
So, even though this woman was different and I could see that I could trust her, another part of me was unable to embrace the present moment. Still, I opened up to her, as I had done before this moment, and it was clear that she worked in the helping profession.
She was nurturing, kind and gentle, and she had given me a lot of positive feedback during our time together. I was told that I was special and that I had a beautiful mind, amidst other things.
A New Outlook
Our time together lasted for a little while longer, but what was taking place within me soon caused our time to come to an end. Along with my fears around intimacy, I also felt as though I did not deserve to be with her.
Yet, even though it came to an end in this way, it gave me the chance to see that there are women out there who are different. What she said to me during our time together also had a big effect on me.